To Live and Die in the Simulation
Everyday Routines as Radical Denial
Talofa Reader,
We live in a simulation.
Or at least that's what it feels like right now.
But what's being simulated is living a normal life, with its ups and downs, in a world that "has its problems" but is otherwise unproblematic- apparently.
And it's a simulation because outside of this "bubble" or "delusion" a lot of very bad things are going on in the world.
That's the preface and pretext of this piece.
[[send tweet]]
The Reality Beyond the Bubble
Why?
Why are we talking about the world, right now?
Because I sit down to write something, in amongst the many things I have going on in life, and to sit here and think about everything in the context of the "container" it exists in, I'm suddenly confronted by the reality of the insanity.
Now, obviously a lot of us, myself included, can be given to hyperbole. We call everything "crazy," "insane" or "unbelievable" when really, we have short memories. Even if a slightly older version of the same thing has happened before—even if unacceptable and bad (which isn't being litigated here)—it has happened enough times to not be as surprising. Not as 'unbelievable' as we hope it is. We imply it's totally different from what usually happens, but is it?
But if the horror happens often and consistently enough, what does it say about where we are now? A genocide like the one in Gaza is happening, and has been happening for over a year. The entire western system complete with "international law & order" has been seen to be the farce that it is. We have the Elon and Trump clown show, complete with Grifter coins and the Department of Getting Even.
This forms the background to everything we're living through right now.
My World vs. Reality
I work in a Big Tech company, and watching other big tech companies, riding abreast these massive waves of economic and social disharmony and change. Somewhat1 insulated from the uglier side of what I'm constantly reading, and seeing in the news. Cost of living crisis, unemployment and homelessness increasing, businesses closing, the economy in a shambles and a NZ government ruthlessly and relentlessly slashing public services readying them for privatisation.
All the while, vilifying the victims of a legacy and history of malice and misfortune, ethnic and other minorities.
The usual targets.
There's just layers, and layers of this shit from international, to regional, Pacific, Australia and finally local here in New Zealand.
You'd be forgiven for thinking this rant was another one of my "the world sucks, everything's burning but f**k it, let it burn, it all deserves to go to hell anyway" rants.
And you'd be mostly right - that's sort of my default initial setting when faced with these facts.
The Catharsis in Writing
But this, out of the blue newsletter, which I'm sure folks are wondering which thing they signed up for now, is another semi-update of where life is right now for me, and finding that using this writing outlet to just - dump thoughts, edit and publish - is very…
cathartic.
Is that what the Uncommon Engineer newsletter has become?
Well, sort of, yeah.
When I wanted to separate out the more "technical" things, into deep dives and commentary on things happening in the industry, the LinkedIn page made sense. It was essentially a way to "showcase" that information there2. The newsletter, on the other hand, was going to be the social commentary. I have about 30 drafts on different topics. They range from the scourge of middle management to being pigeon-holed by multiple dimensions all in the same, single user entity.
What Makes You Tick?
But then I re-discovered things that made me happier than writing down my weird and wacky takes, like building and making tech things.
Some for profit, most for just scratching the itch of just fucking around with a technology or platform or device to see what it can and can't do.
This doesn't need an audience - it has one already.
Me.
The Dilemma.
And therein lies my dilemma, to choose between a thing that I love and that might not make me a living wage, and a thing that I'm good at that's paying everything off and more.
“Do both”, I hear people say.
I have.
For years, I've done things alongside my tech career - professional drummer, cage fighter, community charity founder, motorcycle group "patched" member3, Brazilian Jujitsu black belt, and more.
I know people have hobbies and their main job, but as you can see my hobbies aren't part-time commitment level things. They usually need full-time commitment time investments. That's how you burn evenings, early hours, and weekends, for years. All to live this "do both" philosophy.
New Purpose?
Where was I?
Oh yeah, this newsletter.
I first started it to see if I could make it a "thing". I knew it would be hard, I've done these things before, the goal was to make it something that I could lean on in the future, brand recognition or finances-wise. It would earn money eventually, or open opportunities.
But as much as I'm a writer, or enjoy writing4, I'm hard to narrow things down to a single-focus. Even though I know, and already experienced that I do my best work when I'm single-focused.
Sometimes the stars will align5, I'll focus, and I get some great outcomes. My life has been a series of alignment challenges, level unpredictable.
The Way Forward
I'm working on some things now, and for better or worse, I may have to shut down some things that I was keen on before - I was thinking this newsletter, but then… what if I just keep writing stuff?
Now - I read a lot of other writers' stuff, journalists and folks who not only do writing for a living, but it's really their thing.
So I know that's not what's on offer here with my writing lol.
And maybe the pressure to either be all things to everyone, or even be something to someone, anyone, is alleviated when I can just write when I find the space, or conviction to make a thought and writing.
The Beginning Is the End, Is The…
That's the madness that surrounds my inner world, juxtaposed against the madness of the outside world, and you and I carry on, brushing our teeth and taking the rubbish out on Weds, like everything's normal.
Like sure "things can be a bit shit, but that's life, right?" type normal, but it really isn't.
It's a simulation.
thanks for reading,
Ron.
The “somewhat” here referring to folks who can take economic shelter i.e. the salaries you get from tech, that shields you from what the cost of living is doing to most folks.
It is a “showcase” when I step back and admit that to not only myself, but everyone who follows the page- why else would I want that information in the bright lights of LinkedIn, referenced by my personal professional page to show & tell what I know, understand and can do- it’s a showcase.
Don’t worry cops, the “Every Sunday Motorcycle Collective” is mostly older, palagi motorheads that live & breath motorcycles.
sometimes.
Don’t worry, I’m not one of those “it’s in Gods hands” type of accountability and responsibility people, I know I have a choice in most matters, and that’s what it comes down to at the end of the day.