The End of Everything

Why Everything Must End (And Why That's Beautiful)

Talofa reader,

Looking back on this year, or any year for that matter, but more intensely in recent years, you see the course of the year, the events that happened, the things you went through at work, at home, in the gym and with your social circles, the heaters and rain in winter, the fans and singlets out in Summer.

The ups, the downs, normal life shit.

But as the years stack up, the ups and downs aren't jagged spikes anymore, they've started to flow out as "arcs" of your years, and across those arcs, where jobs started and relationships ended, life events changed the course of your world, these became the seasons of your mortality.

I'm free-styling this piece because I had an observation about my life, sitting here at my desk, working from home on a weekday morning.

I say observation, because it's not a realisation — it's not an epiphany I had at my desk, and now suddenly I see the world differently.

I've known these things for a while, because I like to think a lot, and my realisations about how this life ebbs and flows came and went, in my late teens, my late 20s, and through to turning 40.

I'm at a stage in life where I can see the seasons of life happening, sometimes they span years, other times, months.

Nothing lasts forever, and everything must have an end.

Seasons of Life

Everything has its season, and I'm not sure if it's experience or maturity that brings this about, but the older I get, the more I am aware of the end of a season. Is this the last workshop I run? Is this the last newsletter I'm going to write? Am I over this job and need to move on?

Not, "the last" as in "am I going to die tomorrow?"

The "last" as in — do I still want to do this anymore? Why am I still doing it?

Like the fighter who (arguably "should") knows when to hang up the gloves, because the fire or the fight isn't there anymore, so too do I feel the questions rise internally about anything I have been toiling away on, and gradually begin to feel — past the legitimate and ordinary doubts one gets when doing anything for a short time, past the challenges that come with any venture — to even call it a question is actually incorrect, because the "thing" rising up in you is not a question, it's the voice that says "it's time."

It's not a question of if anymore, it seems that question has been answered; it's a question of when.

Things Have to End

My friend wrote a newsletter about viewing failure (“The Joy of Failure & Error”). I think reviewing a lot of these concepts and ideas we had as young people without the benefit of life experience, scars, epiphanies etc., and seeing the many new facets to them, like how "failure is not fatal" (unless it's skydiving hahaha) but also, and sometimes morbidly death, is necessary.

Things have to end.

There was an article on a scientist researching how to essentially live forever (nothing new) by saving your brain. Great. I could go into numerous stories of humans (namely billionaires) trying to live forever, and why I think that's an illness or parasite of a non-human mindset… but I digress.

Depth of life, yes.

Length of life, why?

More is not synonymous with "better". Sure, if it took more time to guarantee the depth of life would be achieved, maybe?

But this pursuit of immortality doesn't seem rooted in the human experience to me. A parasitic experience where the focus is on just existing, prolonging the experience, sounds like what the base objective of drug addiction is.

I was big on vampire movies growing up, watching these suave immortals, with eternity to learn everything so they were always super smart, cultured, knowledgeable and wise. All things I aspire to in a way. But one theme that came through in several of these movies was the negative experience of immortality — seeing every loved one you ever had grow old and die, leaving you alone, with all your great characteristics and traits, but ultimately alone.

If humans are social creatures, and having immortality leaves you essentially alone, then a person with immortality is no longer human, because an essential part of the human experience is that it ends.

But that's what makes it beautiful:

"The Gods envy us. They envy us because we're mortal, because any moment might be our last. Everything is more beautiful because we're doomed. You will never be lovelier than you are now." — Achilles, Troy (2004)

The Freedom of Fewer Fucks

I think having been through more of life, you get less "gives a fuck" about a lot of things.

I think the more life you've been through and understand, the fewer fucks you give about a lot of things.

Not because you've given up on life, and just want to watch the world burn like Heath Ledger's Joker, but because if you truly do "get it", you understand there's actually very few things in life to get worked up about.

I read Mark Manson's "The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck" and of course a lot of that resonates when you're looking for permission to not give a fuck about all the things encroaching on your life, affecting your mental well-being.

Escaping the Productivity Trap

I fell into the productivity trap of thinking the problem with my life and how I was going about it was about not managing the 50 million things I was trying to do properly with Todoist and Notion planners, reminders and alarms — I was looking at how to post three different social media brands efficiently and effectively, instead of maybe, not doing any of that instead.

The infamous "just because you can, doesn't mean you have to" adage; this 50 million things to achieve was again conforming to expectations, external expectations of who I should be and what I should achieve, to be valuable to society, to my friends and family, and to myself as a person.

But the cycles around the sun bring with them, hopefully, a breaking down of those beliefs — old beliefs that hang on ghosts of previous seasons, of previous cycles, previous personas and environments that produced not only the belief and the goal, but the person who would pursue them.

Breaking Free from Clone Life

I do find myself conforming less.

Not that I was a big conformer — for the right price or opportunity, I wore the cliché smart-casual tech attire of jeans, business shirt and v-neck cashmere sweater.

Absolute clone-wear.

One example is when I was looking into how to turn my online time into something that actually pays my mortgage. I researched the most effective ways of having a personal brand across social media, and the posting cycles and branding required was a pathway I started down, to do *gestures at all this* efficiently so I could fit it into the 50 million thing agenda.

I followed the formula, the "best practices", the techniques, the strategies… like my clone-wear, I figured, it's the price to pay to get the thing right?

But seriously, what's "the thing"?

And why am I being a clone of all the other twats trying to be someone else, and not being myself, to whatever end that takes me?

I'm moving away from the clone life…

The Uncommon Path Forward

Now, you'll see my "The Uncommon Engineer" persona…

…complete with dystopian avatar, anime-style branding and a corner of the internet I mean to cultivate for the specific types that resonate with me as I am — not an anime character obviously, but especially not as a dinner jacket and jeans-wearing tech-bro with a slick haircut.

The clone handbook told me I needed my personal name and goofy smiling photo across all my socials- why?

To appeal to everyone? I think I'll just find my audience of smart weirdos who like the same shit I do, and be happy with that.

The funny thing is I do mean to do business, as an AI tech company (more on this another time), as I am — this probably won't fit in with the Silicon Valley vibe, and that's fine.

My goal for life is to do what I love doing — learning and working with tech, building things, empowering the under-represented and making a living from it.

I know I have to let go of old expectations, fears and beliefs to get to that, but that's where I'm heading.

I told my wife this plan, and the first thing she asked me was "Does it make you happy?" (Yes I know happiness is not the pursuit of life, the conversation was more complex than this one question), and I said "yes" without hesitation.

The only thing that holds me back from this life is fear.

I'm not undecided, I'm just scared of letting go of what's familiar and safe.

But it needs to be done.

Have a great xmas and new years break to you, person reading this, and I'll see you in 2025.

Ron.